PLAYED 16/6/11
The Bastards took to the pitch with a lengthy pre-season training regimen (plus some kickarse "vitamins supplements") and really showed their experience against the shambolic Arseholes. The Dark Elves cut through their defense for much of the game until the Norsemen finally remembered their practice drills and shut the second half down with a fearsome cage. It almost paid off for them, but some sloppy ball skills failed to capitalise on the drive and saw the Arseholes limp away scoreless.
The pre-season drubbing for the Arseholes by the Blisterin' Shagfisters and a total lack of PR behalf of the nameless Bastards roster was reflected in the poor turnout of roughly 7,000 fans, but the smaller dark elf contingent was in for a real treat. Electing to kick, the Bastards found plenty of gaps in the Arseholes' front line and were able to dash through and snatch the ball from between the Norse receiver's legs, with the Bastard's #4 blitzer crossing the line for an early touchdown.
The crowd was clearly behind the 'Rok though, braying for the ichor of the dark elves; and while they kept putting the Bastards down they were tougher than they looked. Frustration led to fumbles, with Skid Mark's long pass failing to find a home, and the Bastards soon had the ball again, leading to an excellent passing game that sent the ball from one end of the pitch to the other. The blitzers were definitely on fire, with Bastard #1 crossing the line.
The Arseholes answered and answered hard, their troll-werewolf-berserker frontline smashing the Bastards but failing to find the kills. Only Harry Balls managed to hospitalise one of the Bastards. But poor discipline by a frenzied Blowhole the Snow Troll saw him stray too deep into the Bastard's defense; and seizing the opportunity to respond in kind they pinned the blighter down as Blitzer #1 took a flying tackle at the him. The big guy went down hard, snapping his ankle; it required a ten man stretcher team to carry him off the pitch to the chants of "Trollhammer!" and "Anklebiter!" from the dark elven fans. Much to their chargrin though Blizter #4 tripped up while going for the touchline; he hit the ground so hard he broke his jaw, leaving the 'Roks fans at least one thing to smile about over half-time.
A strange left-field defense by the Arseholes opened the second half, and the Bastards sent Blitzer #2 across the touchline on the second turn as the elf in the #7 jersey saw an opportunity to bring to the pain to Crotch Sniffer the werewolf. The foul was seen by everyone but the ref, and dark elf fans added "Wolfsbane" to their list of monikers for their boys. Sniffer was snuffed out for the rest of the match.
By now the 'Rok fans were pissed, and began pelting the pitch with tankards and helmets. While they were probably aiming for their own team, it was one of the Bastards who copped it in the head, and was carried off unconscious. The Arseholes responded by bringing into play one of their few practiced moves, building a cage round their receiver. This time-honored maneuver totally changed the dynamic of the game, bringing the Dark Elves grinding to a halt. No matter how hard they tried, the Bastards could not penetrate the Arseholes, and slowly but surely the Arseholes clawed their way down the pitch.
But the clock was ticking, forcing the Arseholes to bust open their cage early and dash for the line; the last moments of the second half ended in a messy scrap for the ball that failed to eventuate for either side.
MVP for the Heartless Bastards went to "Trollhammer" for taking down the Big Guy and productive work deep in the Arseholes back quarters; for the Arseholes the MVP went to Skid Marks for actually picking up the ball.
All in all the Bastards could not hope for a better start to the season, and the Arseholes can only hope that the promise and discipline shown in the second half is honed across all their team.
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